Understanding Why No Contact With A Narcissist Is Critical To Your Recovery & The Ultimate Revenge!
After the relationship ends with a narcissist, there are two very important subjects that come up frequently: “No Contact” and “Revenge”.
No contact is primarily something that we do to protect ourselves from any further abuse and, to “restore our sanity and regain control of our lives”. It is an essential step but also a very difficult step which many of us struggle with.
I think one of the reasons why “no contact” is such a challenge for us is that it seems to directly conflict with our desire for revenge on the one who has hurt us. Our motivation to see that justice is served causes us to feel an intense urge to “take action”, but this results in inner turmoil when trying to achieve “no contact” at the same time. Our thoughts and emotions are going haywire. Having given the matter a lot of thought I decided that, for me, the best solution is to combine these two forces together. No contact will also be my revenge.
In order to fully appreciate this strategy it’s a good idea to go back to basics and remind ourselves how the narcissist functions.
The narcissist spends his life running away from the painful truth about himself. His whole life is a confabulation. Deep down inside himself the narcissist IS tormented. He represses his misery within his sub-conscious in order to survive (by avoiding painful thoughts that would lead him to depression & self-destruction). This is the reason why he must live in a fantasy world and why it is vital to him to force others to entertain this self-created fabrication that he thinks of as his life. It is also the reason that he depends on others.
Narcissistic supply is the drug that takes away his pain. It is because the narcissist needs other people to consistently maintain their fantasy view of themselves that they are constantly trying to mould the behavior of others to serve that purpose. They will use all forms of manipulation, positive (e.g. flattery) and/or negative (e.g. intimidation), to get what they need out of us at any given moment. In fact, it is a good idea to perceive every interaction that a narcissist initiates as manipulation in some form or another.
When you first begin to put “no contact” into force, the narcissist will often try to manipulate you to get you to contact him. Remember, if you do so it will make him feel powerful. Much better to ignore him and your indifference will make him feel weak!!!
This explains why so many of them attempt to re-establish contact once they realise that are being ignored. By sticking to “No Contact” you are refusing to be manipulated by him, denying his power over you and are therefore destroying his fantasy and forcing him to see himself as he really is.
It also helps us understand the reason behind some of their erratic behavior when they seem almost desperate to get us “back on board”. The reason for this is simple. Your indifference is making him panic because he has tried using the techniques that usually work for him but they are not working this time and this will be making him feel very insecure indeed.
If you persist with “no contact” he is likely to respond to this by using all of the weapons in his arsenal in an attempt to force you to yield. He may use intimidation. He may try to provoke you with nasty remarks that he thinks you will not be able to resist responding to. He may try flattery, telling you how no one else compares to you or perhaps he will even apologise (both completely insincere of course).
Beware, his last resort – PITY. This manipulation technique often gets us even when we are feeling at our strongest. I know how hard it is to ignore someone who appears to be crying out for help. To a normal person with compassion (like us) it feels so unnatural and cruel to ignore someone who appears to be in pain, especially if it is indicated that their pain is as a result of our behaviour. It goes against everything that we have been taught about being a good person.
REMEMBER: The narcissist is fully aware of this and that is why “pity” is such a powerful weapon for him to use against us as it so often delivers the result he wants. But ladies you must stand firm, because once he realises that he cannot manipulate you anymore he is likely to give up and leave you alone. Narcissists avoid people who force them to see the truth. This is the antithesis of narcissistic supply and is to be greatly feared.
Whenever we feel like we might be about to break our rule of no contact rule we must remind ourselves of the following. Narcissists spend their time running away from the truth about themselves, which is that they are worthless, horrible people. They try to push our buttons in order to force us to behave in ways that make them feel special, admired, adored or feared but ultimately, powerful. (In other words, they manipulate others in order to obtain narcissistic supply).
If you contact him then you will be letting him “push your buttons”. Do not respond to him and you will be pushing HIS buttons by making him see that actually, the opposite is true. That he is, in fact, irrelevant, inferior, dispensable, needy and ultimately, feeble.
Narcissists treat life like a competition where their aim is to “beat” others. But by ignoring him you will have beaten him!!!
No contact truly is the best revenge.
The only way to break free from a Narcissist is to establish and maintain a rule of No Contact with him. You must treat him as if you are breaking a toxic drug habit. You must realize that he has become like a drug to you. Just as he needs others to validate his existence, he has now programmed you to believe you need him in order to survive. You must understand that you are addicted to him right now, but this is only temporary and a direct result of being brainwashed.
A Narcissist programs you to question yourself….question everything you do, in fact. This is his goal from the very beginning. He knows if he can cause you to doubt yourself, you will become dependent on him for validation and keep coming back. It is critical that you understand you will never get over a Narcissist if you go back or remain in contact with him in any way or capacity. You can and will deprogram from him, but only if you establish No Contact. You must cut off all contact with him in order to break free.
No Contact means just that…..you must have absolutely NO CONTACT with your Narcissist. In other words:
- No personal visits
- No phone calls, incoming or outgoing.
- Do not answer his calls.
- Block his phone number.
- If he uses a different number and you do answer, hang up immediately.
- No emails, incoming or outgoing. Delete before reading.
- No texts, incoming or outgoing. Delete before reading.
- No Facebook, MySpace or dating websites where he may be found.
- Do not look for him on the Internet.
- Do not Google his name.
- Do not talk to his friends or family. Avoid these conversations at all costs.
- Delete and destroy any reminders of him.
- Do not save emails, letters or photos. Everything must go!