Understanding The Break Up Cycles With A Narcissist
Probably one of the most confusing and difficult things we all face when being involved with a Narcissist, is the crazing making ‘painful’ cycles of breaking up, followed by the HIGH’s of making up.
Unfortunately, it is an inevitable process that comes along with being involved in a Narcissistic Relationship!
So much so, I am often asked, why would a Narcissist leave you, only to later return back to the relationship?
What would possess a Narcissist to hurt you so deeply, only to come back on bended knee, and beg for forgiveness?
Why does a Narcissist spend so much time trying to convince you to give them another chance, only to revert back to his cruel ways after he realizes you have ONCE again committed to him?
How can a Narcissist change like the weather, and how in the world can he not show ANY shame or remorse?
In reality, though most victims want to believe this behavior is based upon his real and genuine desire of wanting to be with them, and wanting the relationship to work, the sad truth is..
A Narcissist is only returning back to the relationship to get a “quick fix” on his addiction.
Much like in the beginning when meeting a Narcissist, he puts on a great act, and he uses his best performance to lure you in and win you over! As time passes, you immediately notice a drastic change in his behavior, the way he treats you and the cycles of idealization and devaluation begin to root! This process continues on, even during the break up stages! It’s like dating a druggie, and you are his drug!
Once you validate him by responding to him in any way, shape or form, he’s got his fix and he will move on to the next best high.
Precisely for this reason, victims MUST remember that while we may feel intoxicated by his change of heart, the minute you take him back, and the minute he realizes that he HAS you again, he will immediately revert back to his old cruel behavior. You must accept that it’s a mental mind game, and the ONLY reason a Narcissist continues to come back is to ensure that he still has you right where he wants you!
It’s so sad, but so true!
In addition, in the event a Narcissist is experiencing ‘withdrawal’ from not having enough ‘Narcissistic Supply’, he will immediately swing back into pursuit mode, with the goal of winning you over.
After all, a Narcissist does not want to be alone, and he constantly needs someone to validate him.
If he is lacking in both areas, and he is afraid you will no longer be there to cater to his needs, he will start the process all over again!
In fact, anyone who has taken a Narcissist back can attest to these cycles of abuse! Anyone who has painfully been through the motions of having to get over a break up with a Narcissist, will tell you that when they come back, they always revert afterwards.
It’s all a GAME, you don’t want to play.
Not only so, in my experience, there is not one story of someone taking a Narcissist back, where the story ended up changing for the better..
Every time the story ends the same, and you are the one left picking up the pieces! Not the Narcissist!
In fact, he skips off without hesitation, and shows no sign of remorse, guilt or shame!
You on the other hand, are left heartbroken, beaten down and mentally exhausted..
We have to remind ourselves that Narcissists are incapable of change, and they are incapable of loving anyone on healthy terms.
The roller-coaster ride is ongoing, and will always repeat itself.
No Contact and getting support from those who have also been through it, is the only way to go when breaking free.
Without having the support you need, you may find it very difficult to stay away. After all, a Narcissist is relentless when it comes to securing his sources, and he will often use all kinds of manipulative behavior to suck you back in to the relationship.
He may romance you, seduce you, and charm you just like he did in the beginning! He may use drastic measures such as threatening suicide, ‘saying he cannot live without you’. Regardless, a Narcissist purposefully plays on your good-naturedness, and he KNOWS how to get you to feel sorry for him.
What you will discover if he is successful with his attempts, the Narcissist will quickly swing from being a modern day Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!
One minute he will show acts of being loving, compassionate and supportive. He will promise to change, and has a natural ability to fake tears and emotion. He acknowledges the error of his ways and promises it will never happen again…
Only to have it happen again!!
The break up cycles will continue you!
What you must remind yourself is that the conquest of ‘getting you back’ is like a DRUG to him. A Narcissist is a junkie when it pertains to winning his sources of supply. Whether that be new Narcissistic Source Of Supply, or old sources.
After all, it’s a life-long effort to obtain these sources, which he always use at his disposal.
These cycles, and these conquests make him feel alive. It gives him a thrill. Without it, a Narcissist feels dead inside. This is why he use every lure, and go to great measures to lure you back in, only to immediately revert after he knows he has succeeded.
You must also realize that ANY type of reaction from you is considered ‘Narcissistic Supply’. Your reaction whether that be good or bad, is irrelevant.
If he knows he can’t get a positive reaction from you, he’s going to try to elicit a negative reaction. All he needs is a reaction from you to get his fix! He likes to know he still has some kind of hold or effect on you.
Do NOT give him this satisfaction. Please Do NOT feed his addiction. When dealing with a narcissist, and going through the motions of a break up with a Narcissist, “No Contact” is the way to go!
Refuse to react to him, and refuse to validate him!
Also, you must realize he will not change, nor will these patterns.
You must accept the fact you deserve better, and no matter how great the relationship was in the beginning!
We have to get real with ourselves if we ever plan to move on!
Lastly, you must take back your control, and refuse to keep feeding his ego.
No one deserves that much power over your happiness, and your life.