Dealing With The Pain Of Being Discarded By A Narcissist Is Very Painful! Learn How To Deal With The Pain, Shame & Hurt!
Recently the topic of devalue and discard has been an increasingly common pain point for many who have written to me in hopes of seeking advice on how to deal with the pain after being discarded by a Narcissist. In fact, along with being completely traumatized with grief, many also feel ashamed for allowing this to happen in the first place. After all, anyone who has been in a Narcissistic Relationship knows these patterns continue to repeat themselves.
Being discarded by a Narcissist, regardless of whether it is the first occurrence or not, is extremely emotionally surcharged. There are so many emotions that run through us, and it is often difficult to explain unless you have been through it yourself.
Often after being discarded, we tend to feel inadequate. We feel shame, and we internally beat ourselves up for not being able to measure up, and sustain our Narcissists happiness. We tend to blame ourselves, and we often believe the ending is entirely our fault.
After all, Narcissist have a way of brainwashing you into believing this to be true, however, this is far from the case. The devaluation cycles repeat themselves, and inevitably, a Narcissist will discard you once he has fulfilled his mission of obtaining you as a reliable secure source to feed his fragile ego.
So much so, there is much confusion and pain when dealing with a Narcissist. Victims constantly find themselves in a state of depression, they are often disappointed, and they are always left heartbroken.
After all, when you have given your heart and soul to someone who cannot return your love, and to make matters worse, the mental anguish of not knowing why, is extremely painful to say the least.
If fact, getting over a relationship with a Narcissist is not the same as with a healthy well-adjusted adult. In a typical breakup, we grieve the loss of love, the pain of saying goodbye, the sadness of something wonderful ending, broken promises and halted dreams.
When grieving a Narcissist, this pain is compounded by the reality that this person is not who we thought they were at all. Thinking you know someone and then suddenly being confronted with a person you don’t even recognize is quite a shock to the system. This person professed their undying love for you one moment, but then abandoned you the next by either emotionally withdrawing or physically leaving.
With that said, whether you’re presently involved with a Narcissist, going through the motions of being discarded by a Narcissist, or desperately trying to get out of a Narcissistic relationship, you may be torn by the longing of wanting them, even though you know deep down they are no good for you. You may be struggling with the mental anguish of being caught between wanting to be with them, and condemning yourself for having this desire.
After all, how could we want to be with someone that has caused us such pain? How could we want to be with someone we know causes us harm?
Most victims, no matter what they have tolerated, no matter how much turmoil they have encountered in loving such a damaged man, they still have this inner desire of wanting things to be the way they ‘use to be’. It’s as if the memories of how the Narcissist made his way into our lives practically consume our thoughts, as if we were experiencing some type of haunting.
If this is happening to you, don’t worry, you’re not going crazy–you’re simply just hurting.
You may be obsessing about what he or she’s feeling or doing. You may obsess about who they are dating/sleeping with, and wondering if they’re thinking at all about you. You may constantly feel this nagging anxiety in wondering if they are FINALLY happy, and worse.. Why you didn’t!
Your feelings of shame and emptiness may feel so unbearable, that it’s easier to divert your focus to him/her, rather than sitting with the painful emotions you have been feeling in their absence.
While these are all common emotions we experience when we are in the grieving process of mourning the loss of a narcissist, you must take a step back and try to address what is really happening.
When a Narcissistic break up occurs, more often than not, there is so many unknowns, and so many questions that run through our minds. Narcissist rarely provide us with any type of closure, and because of this, our minds try to process what is happening, and this often creates all types of imaginary thoughts.
We often assume he is happier. We often assume that the new partner (the new source of supply) is everything we weren’t. After all, he/she would have stayed if we had only been good enough, right?
In order to heal from any emotional abuse, we must surrender ourselves and be willing to reach out to others for help. I know this has certainly been the case for me. It wasn’t until I surrendered that I was able to truly heal.
What did I surrender? My ego. I stopped lying to myself that everything was ok. I dropped all inner resistance and started being honest with myself. I feel a sense of inner peace now that I never knew was possible.