Breaking Up With A Narcissist
Breaking up with a Narcissist is not an easy process; however, I am fortunate to say, healing and recovery is possible.
Recovering from the emotional abuse that goes with being involved in a Narcissistic Relationship is by far one of the hardest things I have ever experienced.
Whether you were discarded suddenly, and without warning.
Whether you finally gained to courage to walk away, or you have been faced with the MANY breaking up, and making up cycles Narcissistic Relationships are notorious for, the ending is no normal separation!
In fact, victims are often left picking up the pieces, and wondering how they will ever manage to cope through the pain and grief.
While it is normal to feel grief, anger, and overwhelming despair – it is important that you educate yourself, empower yourself and find support.
By you are reading this, chances are you have a general understanding of what being in a relationship with a Narcissist is like. In fact, like anyone who has been through the process of dealing with a narcissist, and going through the painful motions of being discarded by a Narcissist, you are probably having a very difficult time processing, and absorbing exactly what is happening, and why!
Like so many victims, you may even feel as if you are on the verge of mentally collapsing, and bordering a nervous breakdown.
If this is happening to you, I want to try and help you deal with these emotions, and provide you with guidance and understanding on how to minimize the pain, in hopes of preventing further emotional damage.
Though I will admit, this process of grieving is difficult, and while there is no magical formula that will erase your hurt, I have found that by gaining support and knowledge, the process of healing is much faster.
Breaking Up With A Narcissist – What Is Happening
After the breakup with a Narcissist, the pain is compounded by the reality that most rarely see it coming! Then of course, having to deal with the sudden loss is completely overwhelming!
Not to say, the relationship didn’t have it’s sets of high’s and low’s, as this is ALWAYS the case with Narcissistic Relationships. The key difference is that when a Narcissist completely cuts you off, when he completely discards you, he shows no remorse!
No matter what you do, no matter what you say, and no matter how hard you try to convince him/her that you love him, and convince them to work this out… A Narcissist doesn’t care.
In fact, as sad as it is to say, the complete opposite occurs!
So much so, a Narcissist will often become angry, resentful, and use your heartfelt acts of love against you!
Trust me, if you have ever been involved with a Narcissist for a lengthy period of time, you will know this to be true.
In addition, we also know through experience that a Narcissist is notorious, and known for spinning a web that consists of crazy making cycles that leave you walking on constant eggshells!
Anyone that has been in a Narcissistic Relationship knows what it’s like to be riding a mental roller-coaster that never seems to end. One minute the Narcissist is begging for another chance, and the next minute he/she is packing a suitcase!
In reality, the crazy making cycles often become so frequent, that we tend to fall into a trap of riding the mental game train, and for far too long!
Precisely for this reason, when a Narcissist COMPLETELY discards you, the ending is totally devastating.
Not to say the pain is less when a Narcissist does in fact cut you off, as the emotional abuse you’ve encountered along the way is painful not matter which way you twist or turn it!
The ongoing worry is he or she is coming back. The obsession that coincides with wondering where they are, how they could do this, and why this is happening is mentally draining!
We are often left in shell shock, and we rehearse over and over again as why they once again ‘suddenly lost all interest’.
After all, how could anyone callously discard you, and literally abandon you with no remorse? How can anyone who confessed how much they loved you, shut you off, and completely disconnect all together?
How can there be no closure, after all you’ve shared together?
While these questions re-play like a broken record in your mind, the reality is, you have to find support, you have to gain knowledge, and you have to stop this madness! It is completely critical for your own sanity that you quickly work through these emotions, and stop giving your ex Narcissist so much power!
Breaking Up With A Narcissist – Steps Towards Healing
Dealing With The Obsession
First, I think it is extremely important that we hone in on the obsession you might be experiencing. Obsessing over a Narcissist, and the crazy making cycles we all eventually face when a break up occurs is by far the most common dilemma amongst victims.
Probably for the very reason, No Contact remains high on the list, we all desperately want answers, and we all want closure.
In reality, while we all deserve both, with a Narcissist you have to accept the fact this is not going to happen.
You must accept that the only resolution you may ever have, is that the ending, and the break up was never about YOU! The beginning wasn’t about you, nor is the ending.
With a Narcissist, the entire relationship is always about THEM!
Sadly, it is very hard to conceive, when it all felt so REAL, and you were convinced that he did in fact love you; however, you must know that a Narcissist is not capable of loving anyone. (Well.. except for himself).
While the fantasy, and the illusion he created to win you over FEELS so REAL, once you begin to accept the fact that this person isn’t REAL, and he never was, the healing process begins.
Let me also add, the emotions, the bond, and the deep connection YOU felt, was REAL.
The fact remains, it was never two-sided.
Precisely the reason most victims are left completely in shock when they come to realize that he/she has led a double life, or they were discarded for someone ‘new’, a Narcissist will ALWAYS make sure someone is present and readily available to validate him.
Their fragile ego depends on it!
Secondly, we MUST get REAL with ourselves!
We must accept the fact that a Narcissist will not change.
Similar to the crazy making cycles we all encounter when being in a Narcissistic Relationship, we also fall into the trap of lying to ourselves in order to keep the relationship going. We tell ourselves things aren’t so bad, or things will get better.
We often refuse to accept that the person we fell madly in love with, is not the SAME person. We just cannot find it within ourselves to accept that the relationship, and all the happiness we felt in the beginning is not the same!
In reality, no one wants to accept this. Why would we want to admit this without giving the person we love the benefit of the doubt? How could we walk away from the person we love so dearly?
After all, we have invested so much of ourselves in this relationship, and we love them!
We do not want to believe that our soul mate is not real. We would rather exhaust every possible excuse or explanation we can, before we admit this painful truth to ourselves.
But there again, we must get REAL!
Without accepting the fact he/she is NOT the same person, you will always remain stuck!
You will always remain a part of the narcissistic web, and you will always be riding on mental roller-coaster ride.
Trust me, I know!
I also spent MANY years in denial.
Unfortunately, lying to yourself will only delay the reality of what lies ahead.
It’s like dieing a slow death, you know it’s coming…
Dealing With The Pain
I am often asked how long it will take to get over a breakup. Grieving the loss of ANY relationship is painful and will take time. However, breaking up with a Narcissist is a process, it has many stages, and the pain can only be understood by those who have been through it.
As with any typical breakup, we grieve the loss of love, the pain of saying goodbye, the sadness of something wonderful ending, broken promises and halted dreams. When grieving the loss of a Narcissist, the pain is magnified by the reality this person never really loved you. You have been misled, and your soul has been invaded by the mastermind of con artists.
You are forced through abandonment, physical or emotional abuse, lies and betrayal, cheating and adultery, mental exhaustion, and many other faucets we endure in loving this damaged person, that the love you thought was REAL, was never real.
Literally, it is if we are mourning the loss, as if we were attending a funeral.
We are forced with having to bury all the fantasies of what we believed was REAL, and accept the fact it was all an illusion. We have to detox ourselves from the lies, and the brainwashing tactics that were used by the Narcissist, and bury the memories, knowing it was all an act.
To say the least, breaking up with a Narcissist is not in the same as a normal break up; however, healing is possible. You must be patient with yourself.
You must gain support, and you must educate yourself.
When coming out of a Narcissistic Relationship, knowledge is so powerful. It is liberating, and it is essential to your recovery.
Always remember to TAKE BACK YOUR POWER!
Narcissists thrive on power, and they thrive on control. You can only give them as much power as you allow. Surviving A Narcissist begins with YOU!